In the event your question wasn’t answered by our FAQ page, perhaps you will find your answer here.
1. How long do I need to incubate my spore syringe before it hatches?
Answer: Do not incubate your syringe. It is not an egg. It will never hatch no matter how long you sit on it.
2. Is my spore syringe compatible with Bluetooth?
Answer: No. But if you do find a way to achieve this, holy crap, please let us know.
3. I have a nut allergy. Is this product safe?
Answer: The only nuts involved in the manufature of our syringes are the mycologist and his assistants.
4. How many applications are required before my herpes completely goes away?
Answer: We do not recommend these spores for use as a topical herpes remedy.
5. OK, I’ve injected myself with the entire syringe, now what?
Answer: Call 9-1-1
6. Is there a digital version of these spores I can just download?
Answer: Is there a digital version of these spores you can just download?! Wait, what?
7. Are your syringes microwave safe?
Answer: Safe for who?
8. Are batteries included?
Answer: Our syringes are manual. Use your thumb…stupid.
9. How many calories are in each syringe?
Answer: We’ve honestly never counted.
10. Which end of the syringe do the spores shoot out?
Answer: You’ll figure it out. (Hint: If you’re asking this question, put the syringe down and slowly back away from it 10-15 feet. Now re-evaluate your life.)
11. My roommate’s cousin’s best friend was in a car accident and the seatbelt is what injured her. Are seatbelts really that safe and do your spore syringes prevent injury in the event of horrific car accidents?
Answer: Where to start. Yes, wear your seatbelt. And, well, I suppose you could fashion a protective suit of thousands of syringes that may afford some protection from blunt force trauma, but that’s probably a bad idea. Plus, it’d be a ton cheaper just to buy a bunch of pillows and some duct tape.
12. How aerodynamic are these spores, exactly? I mean, can they shoot all the way across the room?
Answer: We’ve not tested them yet in the Reliable Spores wind tunnel, but we’ve found they fly further if you can manage to just shoot one spore out at a time.
13. Are these spores sanctioned by international cycling, and/or will they show up on a drug test?
Answer: See question #5.
14. Will these spores improve my ability to learn new languages?
Answer: By themselves, probably not.
15. How many spores in my syringe are girls and how many are boys?
Answer: They are all “theys”.
16. Where does the Vatican land on magic mushroom spores?
Answer: Have you read the Book of Revalations?.
17. I’ll be camping with my spores. Do they attract bears?
Answer: Only the menstruating ones.
18. Will the spores be able to see me coming or should I quietly sneak up on them?
Answer: They will see you coming no matter what you do. Just like the person secretly living in your attic.
19. What’s the easiest way to get these spores out of my teeth?
Answer: Wait, what?
20. I got drunk and lost 2 of our 3 darts (my roommate is pissed) and I’ve been using 2 of your syringes as darts for about a month now. My game has improved tremendously, but my roommate’s game has gone to shit. Now he’s more pissed at me than ever. His name is Shiloh, btw. He’s super touchy about darts. He got picked on a lot as a kid because he has a third nipple on his neck that’s pretty obvious. I overlook it. Anyway, he got really good at darts and finally got some self esteem. But now this. He was already pretty bummed because his girlfriend broke up with him the same day I lost the darts. Anyway, I told him I’d order more darts off Amazon when I get paid again but I was late on rent and most of that check is already gone. Plus, the darts I lost were pretty expensive and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to actually replace them. But, I got a scratch-off lotto ticket earlier and I’m hoping it pays off big for me. It’s one of the $2 ones and they usually pay more. Man, I could use a break. More of a comment than a question, I guess….
Answer: Want to impress us, come back when they improve your golf game. Also, because of you, we are limiting future questions/comments to 1,000 characters….
21. I’ve been building a secret nuclear accellerator in my basement and it’s right next to where I’ve been keeping my spores. How much radioactivity can these things be exposed to before they’re no good anymore?
Answer: How much radioactivity can YOU be exposed to before you’re no good anymore? Good God, man, go get your thyroid checked.
22. Can these spores be trained to do tricks like Sea Monkeys?
Answer: Yes, but it’s a committment. We recommend a training regimen of six hours per day, six days per week, for six weeks, for basic tricks and obedience training. Conduct your training in a walk-in fridge set to 35-39 degrees Fahrenheit and use a dog whistle between 34-53 kHz for maximum results. Remember, you probably won’t see any results until the beginning of day 6 so you’ll need to just stick with it and have faith in the process until then. Good luck!
23. Is it safe to backlight these syringes with the sun and stare at them without blinking for long periods of time?
Answer: Don’t do that.
24. I bought these spores because I read they’re miracles. What kind of miracles can I expect?
Answer: You can expect to be better looking, smarter, more affable, better suited to changing conditions, less immune compromized, more energized, taller, svelter, more panther-like, and on an astronaut program acceptance short-list by tomorrow. Congratulations.
25. Is it true you can tell your future by reading the configuration of the spores in the syringe?
Answer: Yes. But don’t ask us how.
26. I’m scared of needles and every time I open my package and look at the spore syringe I pass out. How am I supposed to study these things if I can’t get past this problem?
Answer: Try doing it blind-folded.
27. I’ve been trying to figure out how to get this syringe pressed between my microscope slides for two hours now and just can’t seem to get it flat enough. What am I doing wrong?
Answer: Nothing, keep trying. You’ll get it.
28. Is it true that if you drop one of your spore syringes it’ll always point due south?
Answer: Only when dropped directly onto the north pole. So far, we’ve had no orders from there. But we’re hopeful. With all the elves and whatnot, you’d think there’d be some demand.